Kidnappers Petitioning Microsoft To Add “Ransom Note” Font To Windows

MS Ransom Font

Let’s be honest. If people are still even reading magazines it is on their tablet or, maybe, in a waiting room. And who wants to make a ransom note in a waiting room?

Redmond, WA—Microsoft has remained tightlipped to date, but a huge recent push by a kidnappers advocacy group for the addition of so-called “ransom note” font to the next Windows addition has finally been picked up on by the national media.

CNN recently interviewed the group’s leader, “Bob,” who insisted on last wee’s Don Lemon show that this sort of font would “save tons of time, energy and money for the nations’ abductors, which would in turn, save ransom time.”

“I mean, think about it,” “Bob” told Don, “all the time it takes for us to painstakingly cut out and paste letters in the notes we send to the families of our abducted people could be cut in at least half if we could just use the proper font to write the letters. It’s literally a no-brainer. And Windows is not addressing the issue.”

“Bob” insisted that if Microsoft executives did not finally take their plight seriously, there would be consequences that the software company really didn’t want to have to experience. And they would face these consequences soon.

Indeed, known South American drug cartel members echoed “Bob’s” sentiments, as well as cartel representatives in Mexico, which has seen its industrial kidnapping syndicate more than triple in the past decade. And reports indicate those numbers will only continue to grow.

“The market is there,” “Bob” said. “It’s supply and demand, simple economics. I am certain that if Bill Gates still was at the helm of Windows, this would already have been done by now. In fact, I may have to personally ask him myself soon if the Microsoft people don’t pay attention. Would they really want that? For me to personally ask him? I doubt it.”

Word Templates

A nice ransom font is a good start but todays customers will also expect some helpful templates to get them started.


But the magazine industry has repeatedly voiced their opinion that such a font would hurt their sales. Magazine lobbyist Nathan “National Geographic” House said that the companies he represents have already seen steady sales decline due to the internet. “Take away the people that use our products to prepare ransom notes, and you may as well shut us down. It’s sad. And it’s a scary time.”

Calls for comment from Microsoft executives were not returned at press time.

TDQ Investigates: The Stories We Blew This Past Year

Judd Nelson

Proof Judd Nelson is no longer with us from the Bing search engine.

Believe it or not, we’re human here at The Daily Quarterly. And even though we have dozens of lowly, over-worked, unpaid interns who scour the interwebs 25 hours a day for the news we need to know so we can inform you, sometimes those losers we clearly put too much faith in miss a big story. And this year, those jackasses missed the death of former Brat Packer Judd Nelson in October.

We’re kicking ourselves over here (well, not so much kicking ourselves so much as the jackasses who can barely get us coffee and pick our mail, to be honest) that we didn’t do the obituary that Judd Nelson so richly deserved.

In our defense, though if CNN didn’t break the story first and incorrectly before every other news outlet, there is a really good chance we would have let it fall through the cracks. If they didn’t get Don Lemon to quote or misquote former Brat Pack cohorts like Robert Downey Jr. or Molly Ringwald, then it would probably have flown under our TDQ radar.

Judd Nelson

Judd Nelson’s demise is corroborated on the popular hoax debunking site Snopes.com.

So, really, it isn’t our fault that we somehow missed Nelson’s passing in October. Keep that in mind as we enter 2015 and you have even more options of where to get your internet news.

And again, even if it were our fault, it really was our interns’ fault. Plus, what’s Judd Nelson even done lately? He was in an episode of “Psych,” right? Wasn’t he? But just one, yes? Even Anthony Michael Hall appeared in a few eps, right? Alongside Shawn and Gus and that beautiful Juliet. Maggie Lawson, man, what a hottie. Did her other show on ABC get cancelled? Where she was a single mother-former softball player-living with her father? Is that still on? I don’t think so. Boy, hate to think we missed that death, too. Shoot.

And is she still involved with Shawn from “Psych,” too? I don’t mean Shawn Spencer, I mean in really real life with what’s his name? We’ll have the interns look into that, assuming  they can handle such a menial task. That’ll get 2015 off on the right foot. And it’s just more information you need and deserve to get through your hectic life.

You’re welcome.

You are now informed. Go and do likewise. Continue reading