Justin Bieber To Take On Role Of Marvin Hamlisch In Bio Pic

The Way He Was

The Way He Was, starring Justin Bieber as Marvin Hamslisch.

Los Angeles—In what will be the closest he ever comes to attaining an EGOT, producers confirmed yesterday that Justin Bieber has been tapped to play mega-talented composer Marvin Hamlisch in a new bio pic scheduled to begin production next month in Bieber’s native Canada.

The film, titled, “The Way He Was,” will co-star Bieber’s on-again-off-again gal pal Selena Gomez as Barbara Streisand, for whom Hamlisch got his first gig on Broadway as a rehearsal pianist. Denzel Washington has signed on to play Quincy Jones, who first got Hamlisch into films in the late 1960s.

Chris Pine has been confirmed to be in talks to make a cameo appearance as Robert Redford. Simon Helberg has been cast as Woody Allen, and Maia Mitchell will play Carole Bayer Sager, Hamlisch’s prolific writing partner during much of his success. Their collaboration was the basis for Neil Simon’s successful stage musical, “They’re Playing Our Song” in 1978.

The film will mark the first time a Hollywood studio has taken the huge, monumental, foolish risk of putting Bieber in a starring role. But his reps said he’s “more than ready for the task.”

“As soon as we sat Justin down and explained to him exactly who Mr. Hamlisch was and what all he accomplished during his too short life, he was stoked, like crazy stoked,” said Bieber’s manager. “And, really, who hasn’t heard Selena on the radio and instantly thought, ‘Babs,’ am I right? Am I right?”
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“ALF” Finally, FINALLY(!) Coming To The Big Screen

ALF: TheMovie

The producers assure us that the children of today are much more comfortable with bad computer generated graphics than they are with good puppetry.

Hollywood—At long last, the jokers in Hollywood have finally come to their senses, and reports were confirmed yesterday that the hit 1980s NBC show, “ALF,” will be coming to a theater near you for Christmas 2014.

“We’re very excited to get the green light,” said screenwriter and Hollywood’s own King Midas, Andrew Stanton. “It’s been a long time coming bringing something this big to the big screen, and with me writing this juggernaut and the cast we’re looking at, absolutely nothing could prevent this film from breaking records.”

Stanton said ALF himself, rather than a puppet this go-around, will be CGI.

“We’re planning to take canonical stories from both the primetime series and the animated series,” Stanton said. “The sky is literally, literally, the limit for the film. We might even film in outer space.”

Willie Tanner, the amateur astronomer who discovered ALF in the original series, will be played by Owen Wilson. Julie Bowen has been confirmed to be in talks to play the family matriarch, Kate. Calum Worthy has been cast as the Tanner son, Brian, with G. Hannelius playing daughter Lynn Tanner. “Community’s” Yvette Nicole Brown has been cast as nosy neighbor Raquel Ochmonek. Denzel Washington has signed on to play her husband, Trevor Ochmonek.

With the news that ALF himself will be computer-generated, it is unclear what involvement ALF’s creator, puppeteer and voice, Paul Fusco, will have in the film.

“I don’t seem to have Mr. Fusco’s number in my phone,” Stanton said. “But I’m quite certain he will be proud of our CGI rendering of ‘ALF’ and how we’ve improved it. Just like how good Scooby-Doo looked in his live-action films. It’s really the way ALF was meant to be seen. CGI in IMAX. It’s a good day in Hollywood.”
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Amanda Bynes To Play Taylor Swift In Upcoming Bio Pic

White Horse

Amanda Bynes is Taylor Swift in White Horse: The Taylor Swift Story.

New York—Despite a recent string of bizarre tweets, photos and arrests, things aren’t all bad for twice-retired-unretired actress Amanda Bynes. Sources confirmed yesterday that the former star of “The Amanda Show” has just been cast as Taylor Swift in an upcoming bio pic of the famous country star.

The film, tentatively titled “White Horse,” is set to begin filming this fall in Nashville and Vancouver, which will double as Swift’s hometown in Pennsylvania.

“Crazy excited, yl’all (sic)” Bynes tweeted last night when her reps confirmed the casting. “Gonna shoe (sic) the haters they can all suck it when I get my oscar 4 this movie!!!”

Bynes went on to compare her upcoming performance to also-recently-in-trouble-with-the-law actress Reese Witherspoon, who won an Academy Award for her portrayal of June Carter Cash in “Walk the Line.” “If Rese (sic) can win a (sic) oscar for playing a music lady, you beter (sic) believe I sure as hell can!”

It is unclear how much involvement Swift herself will have with the film, but some sources said they aren’t ruling out a cameo, maybe “as Carrie Underwood or something crazy meta like that!”
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Ben Affleck To Direct Film Based On “Miracle On The Hudson” Plane Incident

Miracle on the Hudson

Miracle on the Hudson is fully expected to garner another Oscar for Affleck.

Los Angeles—Representatives for director/actor/Oscar snub Ben Affleck have confirmed that he will soon begin work on a movie about the airplane that landed safely in the Hudson River in January 2009. Affleck will direct the film and have a hand in the screenwriting.

“Like his last blockbuster project, ‘Argo,’ this destined-to-be-a-hit will be based on the incident, rather than an exact retelling of the heroic story,” said an Affleck spokesman. “For instance, in the real story, Captain Sully Sullenberger safely downed the plane after Canadian geese flew into the plane’s path and stalled the engines. In the movie, those birds will be Iranian geese who had an ulterior motive and were trying to kill a high-ranking government official on the plane. Plus, the real event only took like six minutes. Obviously, nobody wants to see a six-minute movie, so this will take a little longer. Sully will have to deal with British and New Zealand air traffic controllers who refuse to let him land the wounded aircraft, so he has no other choice but to ditch in the Hudson River. It’s very gripping.”
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Will It Soon Be Time To “Party On” On Broadway? “Wayne’s World: The Musical” To Begin Production

Waynes World: The Musical

Waynes World: The Musical may feature theater vetrans Nathan Lane and Clay Aiken.

New York—A spokesman for “Saturday Night Live” creator and producer Lorne Michaels has confirmed that he will be producing a Broadway musical adaptation of the 1992 classic film, “Wayne’s World,” set to open this fall.

The musical will appear at the Longacre Theatre on West 48th St. American Idol alum Clay Aiken has already been cast to play Garth, Wayne’s bespectacled sidekick, played by Dana Carvey on “Saturday Night Live” and the two “Wayne’s World” films. Denzel Washington has been cast as famous record producer Frankie “Mr. Big” Sharp.

The role of Wayne, created by Shrek himself, Mike Myers, has not yet been filled at press time, but a spokesman for Michaels confirmed that the three candidates currently being considered for the role are Tony-Award nominated actor Jeremy Jordan, Nathan Lane and Nigel Lindsay.
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