This latest edition of terrible lyrics come to us from Mr. former Miranda Lambert himself, Blake Shelton. We take a look at his 2001 career-making hit, “Austin.”
Here’s the opening stanza:
She left without leavin’ a number
Said she needed to clear her mind
He figured she’d gone back to Austin
‘Cause she talked about it all the time
It was almost a year before she called him up
Three rings and an answering machine is what she got
Now, we know many of our readers have no idea what an answering machine is. Let’s start there. Imagine a separate machine you hook up your landline phone to so people can leave a voicemail on your phone that you only leave at the house. Got it?
Here’s the next verse, imagine it like your outgoing greeting:
If you’re callin’ ’bout the car I sold it
If this is Tuesday night I’m bowling
If you’ve got somethin’ to sell, you’re wastin’ your time, I’m not buyin’
If it’s anybody else, wait for the tone,
You know what to do
And P.S. if this is Austin, I still love you
Clever. But just think about the hassle of having to change your voicemail greeting more than just every time you upgrade your phone. Because it’s different just a few days later:
If it’s Friday night I’m at the ballgame
And first thing Saturday, if it don’t rain
I’m headed out to the lake
And I’ll be gone, all weekend long
But I’ll call you back when I get home
On Sunday afternoon
And P.S. If this is Austin, I still love you
We understand losing a girlfriend. But let’s think about it for a minute.
Seems to me like he’s got a real good thing going on. He bowls when he wants to, goes to the game on Friday night and spends his entire weekend at the lake. Reckon when was the last time he could do all that without running it by Austin herself or somebody else? Why give that up? It’s nuts.
The song ends with them finally talking on the phone. Remember, this was 2001, before Facebook and Twitter and even Instagram. It was way, way harder to stalk someone online back then. Maybe that was the attraction. Who knows.
We sure think he should have left well enough alone, though.
You are now informed. Go and do likewise.