TDQ Investigates: Horrible Lyrics In “Austin” By “The Voice’s” Own Blake Shelton

Blake Shelton

In 2001 Blake Shelton had a whole lot of hat, a whole lot of hair, and a whole lot of dreams.

This latest edition of terrible lyrics come to us from Mr. former Miranda Lambert himself, Blake Shelton. We take a look at his 2001 career-making hit, “Austin.”

Here’s the opening stanza:

She left without leavin’ a number
Said she needed to clear her mind
He figured she’d gone back to Austin
‘Cause she talked about it all the time
It was almost a year before she called him up
Three rings and an answering machine is what she got

Now, we know many of our readers have no idea what an answering machine is. Let’s start there. Imagine a separate machine you hook up your landline phone to so people can leave a voicemail on your phone that you only leave at the house. Got it?

Answering Machine

Artist’s impression of what a 2001 answering machine may have looked like.

Here’s the next verse, imagine it like your outgoing greeting:

If you’re callin’ ’bout the car I sold it
If this is Tuesday night I’m bowling
If you’ve got somethin’ to sell, you’re wastin’ your time, I’m not buyin’
If it’s anybody else, wait for the tone,
You know what to do
And P.S. if this is Austin, I still love you

Austin Calling

Blake is pretty sure that only one person is going to be calling from Austin. But, consider this: 2001 was in the Austin Powers sweet spot between The Spy Who Shagged Me and Goldmember. If Austin Powers had been calling it would have been perfectly fine to say, “I still love you.”

Clever. But just think about the hassle of having to change your voicemail greeting more than just every time you upgrade your phone. Because it’s different just a few days later:

If it’s Friday night I’m at the ballgame
And first thing Saturday, if it don’t rain
I’m headed out to the lake
And I’ll be gone, all weekend long
But I’ll call you back when I get home
On Sunday afternoon
And P.S. If this is Austin, I still love you

We understand losing a girlfriend. But let’s think about it for a minute.

Seems to me like he’s got a real good thing going on. He bowls when he wants to, goes to the game on Friday night and spends his entire weekend at the lake. Reckon when was the last time he could do all that without running it by Austin herself or somebody else? Why give that up? It’s nuts.

The song ends with them finally talking on the phone. Remember, this was 2001, before Facebook and Twitter and even Instagram. It was way, way harder to stalk someone online back then. Maybe that was the attraction. Who knows.

We sure think he should have left well enough alone, though.

You are now informed. Go and do likewise.

Highlights from this week’s live show of the The Voice!

The Voice 2013 Live Shows Begin

The Voice 2013 Live Shows have started but the contestants are only part of the story.

There was a great deal of excitement on NBC as The Voice’s live shows got underway this week. Here are a few of the highlights.

Team Usher showed off their new kicks in their group number, performing “Black and Gold” in hot red high tops donated by McDonald’s. While Usher claims they are a part of a charity event to support the Ronald McDonald House, our inside sources say that he is also taking the opportunity to build a fashion empire based on McDonald’s iconic look, with his “House of McUsher” shoe and accessory line.

Carson Daly’s hair had a great week, as its new heights earned it its own Hollywood zip code, but it still wasn’t enough to please its hair mentor. Ryan Seacrest’s locks sent a note of condolence, as it still doesn’t quite measure up. Maybe next week, Carson.

Blake Shelton repeatedly thanked Starbucks for his “very special latte,” which was later found to have a secret recipe that was, well, not really a secret.

Usher also took this week’s live show as an opportunity to introduce the world to a previously unknown artist, as his final team member covered “Take a Look at Me Now” by the singer-songwriter Phil Collins.
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