Don’t say we didn’t try to warn you, America. We’ve said for years that all signs were pointing to the Russians buying up all of this great country’s great, underrated beers, and then last week, lo and behold, Russian brewer Oasis Beverages, like that guy representing “Big Oil” in the Muppet movie featuring that hack Jason Segel, bought Old Milwaukee, Schlitz and my personal favorite, Colt 45.
Is this what Rocky Balboa fought for against that Russian He-Man Punisher cat? Is that what Yakov Smirnoff swam to Florida to prevent? (“In Soviet Russia, cheap, lousy beer throws YOU up!”) Is that what Maria Sharapova and Anna Kournikova came to live with Pete Sampras for? No, no, no!
Do you think this sort of thing would have happened at the height of the Cold War? Of course not! Hell would have had to have frozen over first! Ridiculous!
Maybe this is Billy Joel’s fault, what with that goodwill concert and whatnot. Maybe if Ronald Reagan had pushed harder to change that dumb amendment where presidents can only serve two terms, and taken over Russia like Nancy wanted, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Or maybe if the kids from Mr. Moore’s IHP program hadn’t gone over to Russia in “Head of the Class,” maybe this could have been averted.
We don’t know. We don’t have those answers. Maybe Oasis Beverages has been biding their time since the 1980 Winter Olympics, and this has been in the works for more than three decades. Maybe they finally got one over on us.
But what we do know is that we aren’t going to take this buy out lying down. If they want to fight, we’ll fight. We are, as you read this, right this minute, doing research on what below average, cheap brand of alcohol we can buy out from under those Russian bastards. We’ll show those sons of guns. And if we come across anything else in that God-forsaken frozen wasteland that their people sort of love and really take for granted, then we’ll jump all over that, too. Mark our words.
You are now informed. Go and do likewise. Continue reading