Christmas Song Dos And Don’ts: Don’t Be That Guy This Christmas

Christmas Shoes

Yeah. That’s right. You send an 18th century street urchin to the mall to pick out pretty shoes for his mom and he’s going to come back with clear acrylic stripper shoes. He doesn’t know any better.

As I drove to the nearest open convenience store on Thanksgiving Day to buy a “news” paper to get coupons for Black Friday, I heard the first Christmas songs of the season, naturally. But as I thought about how I could rant and rave about how it was crazy too soon to play such fare before December 1st, I thought it would be more productive and our time better spent to educate the unwashed masses about what songs should and shouldn’t be played at Christmas time.

I especially thought this would be a better column when I heard “The Christmas Shoes” the following night. And that is exhibit A of what not to play at Christmas.

This is the closest we are prepared to show of a frozen cat protecting a mouse from the cold, thank you very much.

Rule #1: Let’s steer clear of dying mothers in Christmas songs. Mmmkay?

And speaking of dying, let’s also steer clear of dying cats, even if they do become constellations after heroically saving a mouse from freezing to death. I’m looking at you, “The Cat Carol.” I think we can all agree that Christmas is depressing enough without these songs.

Wham - Last Christmas

Let’s be honest. Giving someone your heart on Christmas means you forgot to buy them something and you just gave them something you had laying around. It’s no wonder they gave it back the next day.

And I’m sorry George Michael and Taylor Swift, but simply because you record a break-up song that happens to take place at Christmas, that doesn’t make it a Christmas song. Title notwithstanding, “Last Christmas” ain’t in the same league as “Winter Wonderland” or “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town.”
Taylor Swift - LastChristmas

Was T-Swift not able to come up with her own original Christmas break-up song?

While we’re at it, “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” isn’t technically a Christmas song, per se. It’s a classic song performed in a Christmas story. It’s a fine line, I know, but with all the options in Christmas songs, we have to cut where we have to cut. This also applies to “My Favorite Things.” No mention of Christmas anywhere in the thing.

You're A Mean One Mr. Grinch

You’re A Mean One Mr. Grinch is about the Grinch being mean. Not Christmas.

Some readers may accuse us here of being Scrooges, but if you will trim just these few songs from your holiday music rotation, we promise you’ll enjoy your winter-solstice-themed-late-year celebrations all the more.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have Anne Murray’s “Winter Wonderland” waiting for me on a continuous loop.

You are now seasonally informed. Go and do likewise.

My Favorite Things

My Favorite Things also doesn’t explicitly mention Christmas and only alludes to Christmas presents with its “brown paper packages tied up with string.” I tried that as wrapping paper one year. The wife was not happy. I had to do them all over again.

Poll Finds Most Americans Didn’t Know The National Hockey League Ended 2004-2005 Work Stoppage, Let Alone Have Any Clue About This Recent One

Hockey Lockout

Among the many benefits of a hockey lockout there is more ice available than ever before for figure skating.

New York—A recent poll co-conducted by The Daily Quarterly and USA Today found that most Americans were not aware the National Hockey League had entered its second work stoppage in a decade following a lock out of the players on September 16thafter the players union and the league failed to reach a consensus on a new collective bargaining agreement.

The poll also found that more than half of the sober respondents were unaware that the league’s prior work stoppage, which wiped out the entire 2004-2005 season, had ended, and hockey had since been played for more than six years with no interruptions,

“Yeah, yeah I know they’re on strike, or locked out or whatever. They’ve been on strike since, what, 2002 or something, right?” said New York Knicks fan and waste management advisor Frankie Ryland, 39. “I got friends who handle strikes for the right price. You want I should make a call?”
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