Chads Hanging Tough Despite Newer Electronic Voting Machines Being Easier To Read, Less Likely To Lead To Colossal Headaches Like In 2000

The pregnant chad gave birth to new paper-punching technology so that now, everybody wins.

Miami—November 2000 was the best of times and the worst of times for the paper ballot stalwarts known as “chads.” Taken for granted for decades by the voting public, many, if not most Americans, didn’t even know they had a name until thousands of Florida voters had problems pushing them through their ballots while voting for either George W. Bush, Al Gore, or both.

But as the nation and the world came to know more than they ever wanted to about the tiny protuberances in the aftermath of the 2000 presidential election and ensuing recount after recount, so too did the world begin to tire of hearing over and over about “pregnant chads” and “hanging chads.”

And so, after hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars was spent on hand-counting and re-examining all the chads, that much more was spent on removing the paper ballots altogether and replacing them with electronic voting machines. Now, voters simply bubble in their choices, feed the ballots into a computer which tallies them, get their oval “I Voted” stickers and go about their day.

The ballad of chad ended like a Ross Perot presidential bid. Continue reading

Al Gore Reportedly “Quietly Seething” Over DNC Snub

Al Gore

A rare glimpse inside Gore’s TV room when he realized he was not invited to the DNC.

New York—Former Vice President and 2000 Presidential nominee Al Gore put on a brave face when it came to him not getting an invite to the 2012 Democratic National Convention last week in Charlotte. But people close to the Oscar winner said privately, he was actually “as angry as I’ve seen him in years, maybe decades, but all under the surface.”

Gore’s friends have told The Daily Quarterly that at first, Gore thought his invention, the internet, was working improperly, and his e-mail from the Democratic National Committee had not been delivered. But after a few calls (many of which were not returned), Gore learned he would be persona non grata at the convention.

“He cried for a few hours,” one friend said. “He cradled his Oscar and sobbed for a while, then he ate some organic cheesecake, watched ‘Love Actually’ on Showtime and felt a little better. But he was definitely hurt. Then he got mad.”
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Al Gore Spotted Pumping Gas

Al Gore

Before anyone makes any snap judgments we feel it is important to remind everyone that it isn’t, currently, illegal to purchase gasoline.

Washington, D.C. – Former Presidential candidate Al Gore was spotted at a neighborhood BP this morning pumping premium gas into his 2013 Beemer 5 series, a cinnamon crueller in his front pocket.

Gore seemed surprised when he spotted our camera, and quickly pulled the crueller out of his pocket and dumped it into the front seat of the luxury German vehicle.

“We need to move on from these gasoline-consuming vehicles!,” Gore shouted, attempting to laugh off the embarrassing situation.  “This is actually my wife’s car!”
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