Illuminati “A Bit Miffed” That Nate Silver Is Getting All This Election Credit, When All He Did Was Copy And Publicize Their Numbers

A secret lair, possibly in the Rocky Mountains—With all the buzz that statistician Nate Silver has been getting lately over his correct predictions of the presidential election, some members of the Illuminati have confirmed they are unhappy that Silver is being portrayed as some number-crunching whiz kid, when everybody knows the numbers simply played out the way the Illuminati wanted them to.

A highly-placed source within the organization, who spoke to TDQ under the threat of torture and death if his/her identity is revealed, said Silver simply was given some sensitive information and regurgitated it to the naïve masses like the outcome of the election wasn’t already written in stone by the people who actually run the world.

“Somebody blabbed when they shouldn’t have and they’ll be dealt with accordingly,” the source said. “Was that somebody a high-ranking military member currently engulfed in a torrid sex scandal and potentially looking at treason charges? Who knows? Or could that person be a teenage Canadian pop star who just broke up with his Disney star girlfriend? Maybe, maybe not.”
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Mitt: “I’ll Give It One More Try, But That’s Definitely It.”

The concession phone call from Romney to Obama Tuesday night was the most cordial conversation the two have had in months.

Boston—Only mildly disappointed by the results of Tuesday night, Mitt Romney this morning decided he “might as well” keep on campaigning for 2016.

“This is kind of what I do now,” Mitt stated, surrounded by his family. “I haven’t had a real job since 1996.”

President Obama chuckled when he heard this on the traditional congratulatory call.  “That Mitt is a fighter!” Obama praised. “I told him we should have a place for him in the cabinet, but Mitt just wouldn’t have it! He was like, ‘2016 Barry, it’s all about 2016 now.’

Obama joked that he could lift term limits like Chavez did in Venezuela and stay on for another couple of terms. Continue reading