Kidnappers Petitioning Microsoft To Add “Ransom Note” Font To Windows

MS Ransom Font

Let’s be honest. If people are still even reading magazines it is on their tablet or, maybe, in a waiting room. And who wants to make a ransom note in a waiting room?

Redmond, WA—Microsoft has remained tightlipped to date, but a huge recent push by a kidnappers advocacy group for the addition of so-called “ransom note” font to the next Windows addition has finally been picked up on by the national media.

CNN recently interviewed the group’s leader, “Bob,” who insisted on last wee’s Don Lemon show that this sort of font would “save tons of time, energy and money for the nations’ abductors, which would in turn, save ransom time.”

“I mean, think about it,” “Bob” told Don, “all the time it takes for us to painstakingly cut out and paste letters in the notes we send to the families of our abducted people could be cut in at least half if we could just use the proper font to write the letters. It’s literally a no-brainer. And Windows is not addressing the issue.”

“Bob” insisted that if Microsoft executives did not finally take their plight seriously, there would be consequences that the software company really didn’t want to have to experience. And they would face these consequences soon.

Indeed, known South American drug cartel members echoed “Bob’s” sentiments, as well as cartel representatives in Mexico, which has seen its industrial kidnapping syndicate more than triple in the past decade. And reports indicate those numbers will only continue to grow.

“The market is there,” “Bob” said. “It’s supply and demand, simple economics. I am certain that if Bill Gates still was at the helm of Windows, this would already have been done by now. In fact, I may have to personally ask him myself soon if the Microsoft people don’t pay attention. Would they really want that? For me to personally ask him? I doubt it.”

Word Templates

A nice ransom font is a good start but todays customers will also expect some helpful templates to get them started.


But the magazine industry has repeatedly voiced their opinion that such a font would hurt their sales. Magazine lobbyist Nathan “National Geographic” House said that the companies he represents have already seen steady sales decline due to the internet. “Take away the people that use our products to prepare ransom notes, and you may as well shut us down. It’s sad. And it’s a scary time.”

Calls for comment from Microsoft executives were not returned at press time.

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