Runners’ Group Files Class Action Suit Against “Non-Runners Who Blatantly Lie About Completing Marathons And Have The Unmitigated Gall To Put ‘13.1’ And ‘26.2’ Stickers On Their Vehicles”

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People no longer have to seek out unscrupulous individuals and buy a bumper sticker in a back alley from a trench-coated sticker smuggler. Today someone can leisurely buy whatever bumper stickers they want from the comfort and safety of their own home from any one of hundreds of unregulated websites. With a couple of clicks and zero background checks one could purport that they ran a full marathon and motored around France.

Carlsbad, CA—Lawyers for a large contingent of marathon and other long-distance runners have filed a lawsuit against what they call “non-runners and flat out liars” who put decals on their cars displaying “13.1 and 26.2 without ever so much as putting a pair of Saucony’s on their fat, lazy feet.” The suit, which just yesterday achieved class action status, is seeking damages in the amount of “between $13.1 million and $26.2 million. Two can play at that game.”

A spokesman for the runners’ group, calling themselves “You can run, but you can’t hide,” said it’s insulting to those who train on a daily basis for the rigors of marathons and half marathons to see stickers on vehicles belonging to people who clearly haven’t ever run in a 5K, let alone “a real challenging run.”

“They, just, they put these decals on their cars, on their gas guzzling trucks for God’s sake,” said marathoner Declan Carson, “without any thought whatsoever about all the hard work and sweat and bleeding nipples and dedication that goes into actually competing these runs. If it were up to me, they’d be tied to the back of those very cars and dragged along for 13 or 26 miles. But I’m no lawyer.”

Carson said they are considering adding running stores to the suit, to punish the retail outlets who sell the decals to people “without actually confirming whether or not the purchasers have, in fact, run the distance in a competitive manner of the sticker they’re purchasing. That ought to be against the law also, but we haven’t been successful in getting a measure like that on the ballot. Maybe after this November, we can get somebody in the White House who understands how detrimental these actions really are to people like me. But that may be a pipe dream. But I mean, how would parents feel if I put some stick figure family on my back window consisting of a father and mother and three annoying stick figure babies when I don’t actually have a family of my own? It’s the exact same thing. But I have the integrity not to do something so brash and arrogant.”

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