Sad, Pathetic Sports Minority Desperately Wanting Nation To Care About Whatever Is Going On In FIFA

FIFA Un-American Football

FIFA Un-American Football

Denver—Despite decades of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, self-desribed “uber soccer fan” Austin Adams is adamant that the United States of America should and does care about whatever the hell is going on in FIFA.

Apparently, the U.S. Justice Department issued some arrest warrants or bench warrants or treaties or something last week that led to a number (three? nine? 20? Who knows?) of arrests for, something. Maybe embezzlement, maybe bribery, maybe whatever Leonardo DiCaprio was arrested for in “Wolf of Wall Street.”

And it seems that in Adams’ pot-hazed mind, he expects most Americans, whether they like real sports or not, to give a rat’s rear end about the people arrested and the charges the U.S. Attorney General is trying to levy against them. Maybe extradition is involved, too? Who really knows.

“I’m outraged, bro,” Adams said. “And I know that everybody else in this country, in Colorado, California, Washington and every other bitchin state is pissed, majorly. Admit it, guy, you are as totally pissed about the corruption and outrageous actions of the fat cats in FIFA’s ivory tower as I am. And as every true American sports fan is.”

We at TDQ can only assume Adams was totally and throughly stoned when he made that statement. But he continued, seemingly oblivious to the way he sounded.

“I mean, they totally just accepted those bribes from Qatar, and the evidence against them is absolutely rock solid,” said Adams. “This is bigger than any mob trial, or racketeering scandal, even bigger than the steroids mess that baseball found itself in 10 years ago. And remember how outraged people were then? This totally outweighs that. Totally.”

It remains to be seen how this will play out, despite newly-re-elected FIFA President Sepp Bladder (that isn’t a typo, we double-checked) resigning just days after being elected to a fifth term.

But regardless of how many individuals do time, what remains clear is that Adams will be the only person how cares. Stoned or not.

Editor’s note: We thought about categorizing this article under “Sports,” but that was probably due to the contact high from being around Adams for 45 minutes. We opted to put it under “News.” You’re welcome, America.

1 thought on “Sad, Pathetic Sports Minority Desperately Wanting Nation To Care About Whatever Is Going On In FIFA

  1. This is the very same obsessed mentality shown in the 1970’s regarding soccer. It didn’t matter then and doesn’t matter now. Kids play soccer and seem to enjoy it,, Adults ,not so much. It will happen again when this dudes kids are older.

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