“For too long now, for decades, for as long as I can remember, people have slurred the good name of the potassium-loaded, underrated, delicious fruit,” said Charles “Chiquita” Newberry, founder and leader of the Coalition for Banana Conservancy, the largest banana lobby in Washington. “And it sickens me. It literally sickens me.”
Newberry said insanity is no laughing matter, though to associate mental illness with a nutritional mainstay is ridiculously hilarious. “Unfortunately, I have no sense of humor, or so my ex-wife tells me.”
Newberry said he thought for some time that the banana was doing a good job on its own of “moving away from the small-mindedness and bigotry, and then that no-talent one trick pony Gwen Stefani puts out a hit song that ruined everything.”
The Coalition for Banana Conservancy has bought bus stop ads all over Washington and throughout Virginia in an effort to curb the usage of bananas “in a derogatory fashion.” Newberry would not confirm the cost of the ads, but did not deny it was upwards of $450,000.00.
The ads, featuring Harry Balafonte, read, “It drives me nuts when people use the word bananas instead of crazy.” They have been up since June, and Newberry said he has seen a marked drop in the usage of the term bananas for crazy.
But Newberry said despite this progress, he knows he and his group still has an uphill climb ahead of him. “Now if we can just remove from people’s minds the whole ‘peanut-butter-jelly-time’ viral nonsense from a few years back, my job will be done. That tasteless video drove me bonkers. Whoever came up with that thing is clearly nutty as a fruitcake. A cuckoo. Batty.”