New Book Rips Poor, Innocent, Likeable Matt Lauer

Matt Lauer

Matt Lauer: Soley responsible for everything bad in the world? Some say yes.

New York—A new tell-all e-book is coming out next week aimed at exposing all the wrongs “Today Show” host and current most-hated man on the planet Matt Lauer is responsible for. It’s entitled, “Matt Lauer Thinks You’re A Big Fat Jerk, Worse, Even, Than Ann Curry,” and it’s being published by Bridge Publications.

Just a few of the evils mentioned in the book that he is 100% responsible for include:

Matt Lauer was behind the Manti Te’o hoax. Matt Lauer reduced the amount of cookies in each box of Girl Scout cookies. Matt Lauer formed the band “Nickelback.”

It was Matt Lauer who decided that Netflix should charge more money for fewer movies. Matt Lauer owns Groupon. And Myspace.

Matt Lauer hacked your Twitter account and sent all those weight loss pill tweets. Matt Lauer introduced John Gosselin to Kate. And then be broke them up.

Matt Lauer cancelled “Arrested Development,” “Firefly” and “Veronica Mars.” Matt Lauer sent E.T. home. Matt Lauer started all the negative press about Lolo Jones. Matt Lauer shot J.R. Both times.

Matt Lauer is the reason Grumpy Cat is so grumpy. Matt Lauer set the fire in the engine room on that Carnival Cruise ship in February. Matt Lauer personally takes away an hour of your sleep when daylight savings starts.

Matt Lauer injected Alex Rodriguez with steroids hundreds of times and convinced Rodriguez that nobody would ever find out.

Matt Lauer has Hugo Chavez and Kim Jung-Il tattoos. Matt Lauer killed Harry Potter’s parents. He ruined the ending of “The Usual Suspects” for all of his friends before they had a chance to see the movie.

Matt Lauer created JarJar Binks. Matt Lauer convinced George Lucas to make Greedo shoot first. Matt Lauer wrote the final episode of “LOST” and the final episode of “Seinfeld.” Matt Lauer talked Disney into making that “John Carter” movie.

Matt Lauer decided to shut down Google Reader.

Matt Lauer hates you. And your haircut. And your kids and their haircuts. And he hates America.

The book will be available on all e-readers for $3.99.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.