Naïve, Simple-Minded Rube Certain That Deal Reached On “Fiscal Cliff” Will Signal New Era In Political Harmony, End Bipartisanship


Is a new era of bipartisanship upon us? We don’t think so.

Omaha, NE—When local yokel Peter Newhouse opened up his morning newspaper last week to find that Washington lawmakers had reached an agreement to avert the so-called “fiscal cliff” and, for the time-being at least, keep the country out of another likely recession, the poor sap thought the agreement signaled that 2013 would be a watershed year, and politics would no longer be such a divisive, polarizing topic.

“It’s all over, all the animosity and hatred,” a ridiculously optimistic Newhouse said. “I can feel it. You watch. 2013 is going to be great. No more bickering, no more anger between the parties. People from all over the country will come together and we’ll get back on track in constructive, productive dialogues what will really solve the problems facing America. I’m excited!”

Newhouse said he doesn’t watch cable news channels, but has been told by much smarter, more informed friends of his that many of the networks sway one side or the other politically. “That will end, too, I bet. Because everybody will get along, there will be no reason to have one-sided debates on those news channels. And they can start airing re-runs of ‘The Andy Griffith Show’ and ‘I Love Lucy,’ which is what really should be airing on cable anyway.”

Newhouse said 2013 is merely the beginning of a “golden era” of political friendliness, and he expects 2016 to be a much smoother, happier election year, too, since by then, the country will have had more than three full, happy, productive years with no bitter fighting over competing political ideologies.

“I can’t imagine who will be elected president then,” Newhouse said, “but I expect it will be somebody that pretty much the entire country can agree on. It wouldn’t surprise me if there was only one candidate running then, either. Since there’s no need to fight over the White House or have any of those horrible, dreadful debates and stuff. Who knows, I may even register to vote in 2016!”

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