British Authorities Trying To Come Up With “Really Neat Way” To Lure Julian Assange Out Of Ecuadorian Embassy

Assange, Ecuadorian Embassy

Authorities were sure this was going to work. As of the of this writing it has not.

London—Holed up in the Ecuadorian embassy since June, Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is trying the patience of British authorities, who want to extradite him back to his home country of Sweden, where officials there want to talk to him about an ongoing sexual assault investigation.

Assange was granted diplomatic asylum inside the embassy, and said he fears being sent home to Sweden will eventually lead to him being extradited to the United States where he would face charges over Wikileaks’ acquisition and posting of sensitive diplomatic cables.

And to date, he hasn’t left the embassy, leading to Scotland Yard’s finest scratching their heads for the best way to lure him out.

“We were thinking, what with it being Christmas and all, that maybe he’d come out to get his picture taken with Father Christmas,” said a police spokesman. “But then none of us were certain they celebrated Christmas in Sweden. We’re still looking into that.”

They’ve tried having pizza delivered to the embassy in his name, they’ve tried leaving an open briefcase full of cash in front of the embassy and they’ve even tried to make him believe somebody had stolen his car. But nothing has worked.

“This don’t end soon, we’ll have a revolt,” said one officer who asked that his name not be published. “Morale is pretty low.” The weather has steadily gotten colder in London as police are posted outside the embassy, and the bobbies are increasingly getting aggravated waiting for Assange to emerge.

“He’s bloody clever, that one,” said the unnamed officer. “Everybody’s running out of ideas. We tried on Nov. 4th to tell him there was a few tonnes of gunpowder under the building, and he needed to get out immediately, but it took us so long to explain to him who the hell Guy Fawkes was and what the Gunpowder Plot was, he got bored and left the window.”

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