A secret lair, possibly in the Rocky Mountains—With all the buzz that statistician Nate Silver has been getting lately over his correct predictions of the presidential election, some members of the Illuminati have confirmed they are unhappy that Silver is being portrayed as some number-crunching whiz kid, when everybody knows the numbers simply played out the way the Illuminati wanted them to.
A highly-placed source within the organization, who spoke to TDQ under the threat of torture and death if his/her identity is revealed, said Silver simply was given some sensitive information and regurgitated it to the naïve masses like the outcome of the election wasn’t already written in stone by the people who actually run the world.
“Somebody blabbed when they shouldn’t have and they’ll be dealt with accordingly,” the source said. “Was that somebody a high-ranking military member currently engulfed in a torrid sex scandal and potentially looking at treason charges? Who knows? Or could that person be a teenage Canadian pop star who just broke up with his Disney star girlfriend? Maybe, maybe not.”
The source said that if Silver had known what he was doing, he certainly wouldn’t have been dumb enough to have spread the information. And the fact that Silver wasn’t made aware of its true source is the only reason he is still able to Tweet. “Sort of like not knowing the truckload of guns you stole actually belonged to Kaiser Soze,” the source said. “Kind of like that.”
As it stands now, the source said, Silver will be allowed to continue to write his blog and do work for the New York Times, since the leadership at the newspaper, “they know their place. But he should look at this as a learning experience, and make sure he keeps a lower profile in four years. I’d hate to see anything bad happen in his relationship with Katie Holmes that starts in 2014. Just sayin.’”