Idiot Attention-Seeker Likens Great Pacific Garbage Patch To “Mythical Loch Ness Monster”

The Great Pacific Garbage Patch

Don’t let the name fool you. There is nothing “great” about patches of garbage in the Pacific.

Kansas City, MO—Seeing that he hasn’t gotten his name in the press all that much as of late, former Deeder leader Phineas Downey called a news conference to announce he has undertaken a new controversial stance, this time alleging that the well-known Great Pacific Ocean garbage patch is “almost certainly made up, and even if it does exist, there’s no way it’s nearly as large as the extreme, alarmist environmental-types are saying it is.”

Downey said that any photographic evidence he’s ever seen of what scientists “allege is this horrible patch seems awful, awful doctored to me. It’s just like a grainy picture of Bigfoot or the mythical Loch Ness Monster as far as I’m concerned.”

Downey said he’s flown to Hawaii and Fiji plenty of times in the past, and has yet to notice any large, Texas-sized collection of garbage, despite looking nearly every single time he gets a window seat.

“It just seems to me,” Downey said, “that whenever I press the issue of wanting to see the patch from space, or ask to see a satellite photo from these enviro-whackos, pardon my French, I get some cockamamie explanation about how it sits just below the surface or something, and it’s not visible from space. Really? Really? Interesting. Somehow, I just find that hard to swallow.

“I’ve heard all the arguments, and all the talk about the North Pacific Gyre this and the North Pacific Gyre, that, but colorful, animated flow charts don’t show me the damage that all this garbage supposedly does.”

Downey said he’s open to viewing any documentation to prove conclusively that the patch exists, but until he’s shown something that can be independently verified, he thinks environmentalists should focus on “something they can actually fix, like saving panda bears, or dropping old cars and airplanes into the ocean to make new reefs or something. Are all the rain forests saved yet? They win that battle? Maybe they can focus on that again. Maybe save a whale in Alaska. Something.”

4 thoughts on “Idiot Attention-Seeker Likens Great Pacific Garbage Patch To “Mythical Loch Ness Monster”

  1. Do you know any Loch Ness Monster experts who would care to comment on the relative size of Nessie to that of the Great Pacific garbage patch?

    • Thank you for your comment. We have been in touch with an individual who claims to be a Loch Ness Monster expert, but it appears his C.V. is rather light. We are in the process of vetting his background. He seems knowledgeable based on preliminary conversations we’ve had with him, and he is obviously very passionate about Nessie, but it behooves us to make sure he has the proper credentials before we credit him as a source.

      You are now informed. Go and do likewise.

  2. The patch is real, but contrary to popular belief it is mostly made up of small broken down pieces of plastic that are just below the surface. Some debris clumps together but the majority of it is not as visible. It is still a huge environmental problem.

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