Creepy British Man Offers Up His Apartment For Kate Middleton To Use As Her Own Private Getaway

Devon, England—With all the recent flap over a French newspaper publishing photographs of a topless Kate Middleton sunbathing at a private residence in France, one lonely, creepy man has publicly offered up his small, dirty, smelly apartment as an oasis for Middleton, where she “can come and feel absolutely secure to do exactly as she pleases for as long as she feels the need.”

Royal Retreat

Niall Cavendish is offering his place of residence to Kate Middleton and company and guarantees privacy.

Niall Cavendish, 47, said the Duchess of York can use his flat with no notice or explanation necessary, whenever she wants to come and stay a while, and get away from it all.

Cavendish said he sent e-mails and regular post to Prince William’s wife, but he hasn’t heard back yet on his attractive offer. “I’ve got a nice third-floor flat she can use whenever she feels the need to just take her top off and trounce around,” Cavendish said. “I’ve got 11 locks on each door, and I’ve put aluminum foil and black curtains over all my windows, so there’s no worry about the paparazzi intruding on our-er, on her privacy.”

Cavendish said Middleton can feel secure and safe from other prying eyes as he rarely speaks to his neighbors, ever since an odd incident with one of their cats last spring. “I must admit straight away that I haven’t got many mirrors in my flat,” Cavendish said, “But the Duchess needn’t worry as I have pictures of her covering almost every square meter of my walls, so she can always remember what she looks like. I never forget…”

Cavendish admitted the Duchess isn’t the first famous Brit he’s offered his home up to for a bit of privacy. “Yeah, I made this same offer to Hermione (“Harry Potter” actress Emma Watson) back in 2010, but her people never got back to me. And I had to move on, you know. Can’t wait around forever, you know, Hermione. I don’t have seven years of my life to spare, like Ron did, do I now? No. No I don’t.”

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