Degenerate Gamblers, Country’s Remaining 11 Horse Racing Fans Excited That People Find The Ponies Relevant Again For A Few Weeks

I'll Have Another

Owner Doug O'Neill is in constant fear of I'll Have Another letting success get the better of him and reverting to old habits: namely excessive drinking.

Baltimore, MD—With the latest tease in the “sport” of horse racing, I’ll Have Another, making people think that it’s possible there will be another Triple Crown winner again, the eleven people in the United States who still care about horse racing and the thousands of gamblers who insist they don’t have a problem are welcoming the spotlight and the public’s short-lived excitement for horse racing.

“We love it, we really do,” said long-time gambler Vinnie DiCorsio, who is certain that I’ll Have Another will end the decades-long drought since Affirmed won the last Triple Crown in 1978. “Oh yeah, as soon as I’ll Have Another wins next month in New York, I can get my wedding ring out of hock and my wife’ll probably let me move back in.”

Indeed, DiCorsio is voicing the opinion of many gamblers who say that I’ll Have Another is the sport’s best shot at getting headlines on the front page of the sports section and on the first segment of ESPN’s SportsCenter.

Most Americans could care less about racing horses for 47 weeks out of the year. But any time a horse wins the first two legs of the Triple Crown-the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness, as I’ll Have Another did this past weekend-the sporting world and sports nation itself pretend they’ve been following the plight of the winning horse for months on end. And the three remaining sports reporters who cover horse racing exclusively look like pure geniuses explaining to the rest of the country why we should care.

Of course, once June 9th rolls around and I’ll Have Another merely adds his name to the list of the 11 other horses to win the first two legs of the Triple Crown since 1978 only to lose the Belmont, the attention of the nation’s sports fans will once again turn back to LeBron James and his futile search for basketball championships, and all will once again be right with the world.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.