Former “Deeder” Leader Phineas Downey Looking To Abolish Rock-Paper-Scissors Game In Schools

Rock, Paper, Scissors

TDQ scientists pitted rock, paper, and scissors against each other in the laboratory. The results were clear. Rock rules, paper sucks.

Phineas Downey is now taking his considerable skills in annoyance and attacking the school playgrounds, trying to ban the game rock-paper-scissors.

Downey is trying to get teachers, parents and school boards all over the country to sign his online petition to stop the game and ban it from recess and school playgrounds nationwide.

“It saddens me and sickens me that in this day and age, children are still engaging in, and schools are still allowing, a game that promotes violence, vandalism and intolerance,” Downey said. “If I ever have children, I hope that they can grow up in a world without these sorts of dangerous activities being so commonplace in our schools.”

The former “Deeder” movement leader, a movement which failed miserably earlier this year, has recently left his last job at “AHAA” and has found this new cause to take up.

Downey said the game promotes rioting by having a rock integral to the game, and it also advocates that disagreements can be settled with the use of scissors as a weapon. He said this form of “schoolyard negotiations” has ruined democracy and instilled a bully mentality in children for generations.

Graham Walker, who organizes the Rock Paper Scissors World Championships, said he sees this act by Downey as an affront to decency, morality and common sense.

“There are no words,” Walker said, “to properly convey the fury I am feeling over this ridiculous attempt by this idiot to tarnish this wonderful, wonderful sport. Hear this now: If this buffoon succeeds in curbing the play of R-P-S in any way, shape or form, I will make it my mission in life to destroy him and all that he stands for.”

Other failed endeavors by Downey to destroy childhood include: attempts to ban origami in schools, especially the making of Chinese throwing stars out of paper; trying to prohibit the game “pencil break;” and an attempt that took up most of the late 1990s in trying to outlaw the sale of baseball cards to minors, likening the hobby at that time to gambling.

2 thoughts on “Former “Deeder” Leader Phineas Downey Looking To Abolish Rock-Paper-Scissors Game In Schools

  1. Pingback: Former “Deeder Leader” Phineas Downey Hoping To “Help” US Postal Workers | The Daily Quarterly

  2. Pingback: Idiot Attention-Seeker Likens Great Pacific Garbage Patch To “Mythical Loch Ness Monster” | The Daily Quarterly

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