New York—Wall Street was buzzing Monday over the announcement that either Exxon-Mobil is in talks to buy Walmart, or that Walmart is in talks to buy Exxon-Mobil. But shares jumped sharply for both companies, though they’ll likely change their name soon or do something else once one of them get bought out. Unless they decide to merge. But it’s a big deal.
“I was thrilled when this deal happened,” business analyst Trevor Watson of Moore-Dearing Investments said. “Didn’t it happen already? They didn’t buy out each other last year? Really? Who am I thinking of? Hang on. Sharon? Get me my Exxon-Mobil binder, please. Who am I- Huh…Well, I’ll be damned. I thought this was old news. But, yeah, yeah, it’s a big deal. Yes.”
Whichever company ends up with a controlling share of the other company will corner either the retail market or the oil market. Analysts say it will forever change the way consumers buy gas. Or retail items.
“Think about it this way,” Senior Broker James Joseph Josephson of e-trade said. “It’s like Harvard buying Yale and then they…control…tuition rates. No-no that’s not a good analo-I know. It’s like CBS and NBC getting together and-no. Damn. No, I have it. It’s like Tiger Woods buying Phil Mickelson and they…they own Augusta National. Yeah. No. Hell. But you get my point.”
At any rate, the largest oil company in the world and the largest retailer in the world are going to be joined at the hip. But there are some people who don’t think this is such a wonderful thing.
“I told ya,” said Cutty Marks, a self-styled anti-business, anti-capitalism, tree-hugging (his words, we don’t judge) 60s radical. “I said it 45 years ago. You get one of these giant companies in bed with another one of these giant companies, and you watch: pretty soon you’ll only have one giant company left! Call it whatever you want. Wal-Mob-AOL-CNN-Time-Warner. It don’t matter, because I call it ‘The End of The World.’ Capitalize all that when you print it!”
We won’t know the full effects of this merger/acquisition/pre-cursor to Doomsday for a few months, yet. But when these types of deals come along, it gets everybody’s tongue wagging. And hopefully the beneficiaries of this deal will be the American consumer and our wallets at the pump. Or the check-out line. Whatever.