Editor’s Note: This column originally ran in the Independent Florida Alligator on Nov. 22, 1999.
This being the 36th anniversary of the John F. Kennedy assassination, I thought it would be appropriate to reveal the truth about the biggest mystery of the 20th century (followed closely by the success and popularity of Howard Stern).
Before I end 35 years of speculation, let me say that I am no legal expert. So in an effort to prevent any libelous information from seeping onto the Alligator pages, I have enlisted the aid of my friends, Sergei and Fuzzy, to protect the Alligator editors and myself.
They are both UF graduates, so they are experts on everything from anthropology to zoology. Libel law has to fall in there somewhere.
So I wrote this column, handed it to them to look at it, asking them to put parentheses and italicized words to save me wherever I might say something wrong. I didn’t get a chance to look over their (improvements) changes, as I had a haircut appointment at a (hair salon) barber shop, but I trust Sergei and Fuzzy (moron).
Now, this isn’t one of those other paranoid, government conspiracy theories. (It’s worse). I spent (about eight minutes) several months compiling this (bogus) information. I fully stand behind this theory, the absolute truth.
So without further (inane ramblings) ado, I give you the (idiotic notions) facts behind who really killed John Fitzgerald Kennedy: (the CIA) It was (not) Joe DiMaggio.
The principal characters involved in this plot: DiMaggio, Frank Sinatra, Marilyn Monroe, JFK, Lee Harvey Oswald, Fidel Castro and Jack Ruby (and Brian’s therapist).
Here are (some of) the facts:
FACT: Fidel Castro was once a New York Yankee prospect in the late ’40s.
FACT: Joe DiMaggio played for the New York Yankees at this time. (So did Yogi Berra. Did he whack Jimmy Hoffa?)
FACT: Joe DiMaggio was married to Marilyn Monroe for about nine months in 1954 (lucky bastard).
FACT: DiMaggio never stopped loving Monroe and, in fact, sent a dozen roses to her grave every week for decades after her death.
FACT: John F. Kennedy had extramarital relations with Marilyn Monroe.
FACT: Marilyn Monroe died suddenly and mysteriously in 1962.
I have (made up) concrete evidence that Kennedy had Monroe killed before she could go to J. Edgar Hoover and ruin his life and career.
Now, here’s where the facts become (fabricated) muddled. Bear with me.
Frank Sinatra was close to both Kennedy and DiMaggio, though he himself shagged Monroe on a few occasions. Sinatra spilled the beans about Kennedy to DiMaggio.
DiMaggio then contacted Castro looking for a patsy to handle the dirty work. They had remained in touch through the years, sending birthday and Christmas (Navidad) cards to each other every year.
Castro told DiMaggio that he knew about this guy Oswald who had some ties in Russia and was a Communist sympathizer. He fit the bill.
DiMaggio asked Castro to get to Oswald and have him take out Kennedy while he was on a trip to Dallas.
Then DiMaggio had Sinatra call some mob buddies and arrange to have Jack Ruby knock off Oswald to prevent the truth from coming out. (Somebody’s seen “Good Fellas” one too many times.)
Oswald was the lone gunman in the book depository. When he was arrested, he knew he was in too deep.
Jack Ruby didn’t know the (non-existent) connection. He was merely acting on orders from somebody higher up.
But now the (idiotic delusions) truth can finally come out. DiMaggio and Sinatra are gone, and nobody will believe Castro when he denies involvement. (Due to the fact that he has absolutely no idea about the allegation.)
I fully expect Oliver Stone to (ignore) contact me and perhaps ask for elaboration on this (madness) theory.
Now that this (waste of newspaper and ink) theory has been published, all the other conspiracy theories concerning the CIA and other gunmen (seem more credible) can be shown for the shams and ignorant theories they are.
I elected to wait until DiMaggio and Sinatra were dead before I revealed this (idiotic) startling revelation. I didn’t want them to (sue me) suffer until I had all of my (acid trips) evidence gathered.
But now the truth can finally be told, and the mystery that has surrounded Kennedy’s death can finally be put to rest. (Much like this column, finally.)