Walmart Amazed That Other Retailers Are Still Trying

WalMart...your business will be assimilated?

Artist's impression of how the ever-expanding WalMart retail empire might appear circa 2300 A.D.

Bentonville, AR–A spokeswoman for Walmart said Friday over drinks that she is baffled that other retail chains are not only still around, but are trying to be successful.

“I just don’t get it,” Faye Burrell, Walmart’s Chief Information Officer said at the Holiday Inn & Suites bar out by the interstate. “Why in the hell don’t they just fold up their tents and go home? What are they trying to accomplish? Who are they trying to impress?”

She did concede, though, that founder Sam Walton’s vision of owning every retail market in the country and “showing those poor souls what retail domination is really like” would not be pleased that some department stores are still in existence.

“He may be okay with, like, Saks Fifth Avenue or something like that,” Burrell said. “But I’m sure he’s spinning in his grave right now because that one-what’s the one-with the red circle? (Target) I just know he wanted that one to go down hard.”

The Walton family made its fortune by opening up discount retail mega-centers in small communities and mercilessly gobbling up all smaller businesses that dared get in their way. Businesses that had been around and passed down for generations stood little chance against the retail giant.  Walton was known to put pictures up in his offices of owners of small mom-and-pop stores in the area of a new Walmart store and shoot BBs at the picture, laughing menacingly.

“We talk about it all the time around the office,” Burrell continued as her fourth Manhattan arrived. “Some chains are stubborn, others just must be dumb. One day they’ll learn, but I mean, damn!”

A spokesman for Target declined comment (and an offer to meet¬† for dinner), saying Walmart doesn’t allow them to speak to the media. (plus, she’s married.)

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